Ugh!! I slam down my paintbrush. What’s next? Beat a fist against my forehead? Tug at my hair? Dig around in the cabinet for remnants of junk food to consume and pray the dopamine rush lifts me from this uncomfortable, uncreative, uninspiring quagmire?
That was Monday.
Normally, I awake with enthusiasm, optimism, passion, a “kick butt & take names” attitude, and own my day. In the lovely and colorful, extra-large, Lilly Pulitzer planner carefully selected each July and entered into the morning routine each August 1, not only are appointments, engagements, and special dates entered in an array of chromatic inks, but also tasks completed each day. When I close the planner each evening, it is with a smile and satisfaction of having spent a highly productive day of my career, my mission, my life.
Until Monday.
My beautiful and talented friend Robyn and I are creating a workshop together on making Blizzard Journals and Zines. My portion is Zines. I’m a fan of zines and their history and jumped at the opportunity to take a deep dive into this niche art. That is, until everything started going, well, WRONG!
The 140lb paper was too heavy to fold cleanly. The 80lb paper curled under the watercolor. And what to dedicate the zine to? Gardens? Quotes? Nothing seemed worthy. Was I worthy to attempt a zine?? After working the entire day, nothing was accomplished. NOTHING! Why did I even wake up? What was the point? It’s as if the day never happened. No, worse! It was a heart-wrenching, labor-intensive, soul-searching day full of creative angst and disappointment.
Ugh!
In the afternoon, I had had enough. I steeped a strong pour-over, retreated to the front porch swing, and called Robyn. She is a very good listener and does not react to others’ emotions, exactly what I needed. Bless her heart! Robyn talked me off the ledge with solid advice and suggestions. I took note. And scrolled. Nothing clears the brain faster than mindless internet scrolling of en masse creative content.
After the call with Robyn and a moment of scrolling, what I can only describe as a nudge of divine intervention, I discovered a comforting passage that helped put my rare, wild, and uncomfortable feelings into perspective. It was, however, not scripture, as much as I love a pithy Proverb to teach a valuable lesson. It was an excerpt from the May 2023 graduation address by Sarah Leavitt to the UBC School of Creative Writing titled Joyful persistence.
“What if you make a pile of imperfect things? What if your job is experimentation, exploring, repeating, failing, learning, continuing? ~Sarah Leavitt
A light bulb went off! Floods of quotes and memories and ideas come rushing into my already taxed brain.
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." ~Thomas Edison
The Apollo 13 astronauts on their 1970 mission to land on and explore the moon, experienced a massive oxygen tank explosion 175,000 miles from earth leaving their command module without power or oxygen. So not every day is as productive or successful as you initially anticipate when you wake. *SPOILER ALERT: After a Hail Mary plan to relocate to the lunar landing module and relying on lunar gravity to slingshot around the moon making their life-saving calculations on a slide rule, the three men splashed down safely after 36 hours.
Creativity at its best.
The Lewis and Clark 1804 Expedition and their “corps of discovery” was expected to take 12-16 months from start to finish, yet they didn’t complete their mission for more than 28 months, which I still find miraculous considering they were charged with finding a passage to the Pacific Ocean over land no one of European descent had explored before. How tired were they? How hungry were they? How frustrated must they have been? What was the 18th century, wilderness version of a Neapolitan ice cream sandwich for a quick dopamine rush and was it available??
I can't even imagine.
My Zine crises seemed incredibly small, microscopically so, but my taste of creative frustration, fear, and lack of accomplishment felt, in a miniscule way, more like a badge of honor worn by members of the fraternity of creators, doers, inventors, explorers, writers, painters, astronauts, Lin Manuel Miranda, humanity.
Now back to the studio for more work, experimentation, creation, and the mixed up, crazy joy knowing frustration, fear, and inability to accomplish as planned is just part of the process.
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